Actually I have been trying to avoid this for a very very long time now.
Maybe because I didn't want my flaws to make that transition from the subconscious to the conscious.
But there is no stopping the inevitable.There comes a time when you realize that your life is majorly screwed up,you are doing everything that you shouldn't be and there's nothing you can do to stop the downward spiral.
Its been 2 months and 18 days since I have actually done anything intellectually satisfying and now doing nothing is killing me.I am jobless and furthermore,I have no intentions of working at the moment.
There are things which I should be doing,ideally,but then somehow I feel there is a certain push I need which is definitely missing.
What I see all around me is change.
Kids have grown up,school goers are in college,college goers have started working.Almost everyone seems to have entered into the next phase of life except me of course.
And its not that I don't want to.But I am stuck in time.I am the same person I was,say a year back.Such is the condition that I have practically lost track of the quality of my days.
I've slowly become a person I hardly recognize.
A friend of mine shared a very beautiful thought with me.He said that he wished to channel all his negative energies into something positive, productive.And I am extremely impressed with this concept.It reflects that you are recognizing your voids and filling them up at the same time.Maybe I need to fill up those patches within myself too,even though i have no idea how its going to happen.
A couple of days back I had even started noticing prominent signs of pathological depression mixed with some sort of a personality disorder within me.I know the trigger is stress and at a certain point I was even planning to start anti anxiety medications but then thankfully sense prevailed and I just stopped short of acting really stupid.
The thing is that I've been living in a semi self imposed exile sort of for the past eight months or so because I thought that was the best way I would function.And I did succeed partly too.But now I feel it was something too radical.You cannot live your life ruled by fanatic concepts because the balance part is extremely important for optimum functionality.And its funny now that I am back because at times I have difficulties crossing the road and even driving.I get amused when I see a lot of people together,particularly if they are pretty women.And trust me there are a lot of them out there.Maybe I had silently erased women and any form of romantic flavor in my parallel universe, but out in the real world its a different story altogether.
And I love myself. I've always done so.And I've led a very selfish life and I feel really guilty because of that.I now know that there have been so many times when I was needed but I was simply not there.Maybe because I was so busy with myself that I just could not think beyond my needs.And I wish I could undo so many things,but that's not going to happen and maybe I have to live with certain regrets all my life.
But I have realized that a part of me needs to change.He needs to open up and dissolve his rigid principles,to understand that everything cannot be scripted or anticipated and sometimes you have to let your instincts take over and just let yourself be ruled by the tides.
As I came across somewhere :-
". . . Boundaries don't keep other people out,they just fence you in.So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them . . . "
Maybe because I didn't want my flaws to make that transition from the subconscious to the conscious.
But there is no stopping the inevitable.There comes a time when you realize that your life is majorly screwed up,you are doing everything that you shouldn't be and there's nothing you can do to stop the downward spiral.
Its been 2 months and 18 days since I have actually done anything intellectually satisfying and now doing nothing is killing me.I am jobless and furthermore,I have no intentions of working at the moment.
There are things which I should be doing,ideally,but then somehow I feel there is a certain push I need which is definitely missing.
What I see all around me is change.
Kids have grown up,school goers are in college,college goers have started working.Almost everyone seems to have entered into the next phase of life except me of course.
And its not that I don't want to.But I am stuck in time.I am the same person I was,say a year back.Such is the condition that I have practically lost track of the quality of my days.
I've slowly become a person I hardly recognize.
A friend of mine shared a very beautiful thought with me.He said that he wished to channel all his negative energies into something positive, productive.And I am extremely impressed with this concept.It reflects that you are recognizing your voids and filling them up at the same time.Maybe I need to fill up those patches within myself too,even though i have no idea how its going to happen.
A couple of days back I had even started noticing prominent signs of pathological depression mixed with some sort of a personality disorder within me.I know the trigger is stress and at a certain point I was even planning to start anti anxiety medications but then thankfully sense prevailed and I just stopped short of acting really stupid.
The thing is that I've been living in a semi self imposed exile sort of for the past eight months or so because I thought that was the best way I would function.And I did succeed partly too.But now I feel it was something too radical.You cannot live your life ruled by fanatic concepts because the balance part is extremely important for optimum functionality.And its funny now that I am back because at times I have difficulties crossing the road and even driving.I get amused when I see a lot of people together,particularly if they are pretty women.And trust me there are a lot of them out there.Maybe I had silently erased women and any form of romantic flavor in my parallel universe, but out in the real world its a different story altogether.
And I love myself. I've always done so.And I've led a very selfish life and I feel really guilty because of that.I now know that there have been so many times when I was needed but I was simply not there.Maybe because I was so busy with myself that I just could not think beyond my needs.And I wish I could undo so many things,but that's not going to happen and maybe I have to live with certain regrets all my life.
But I have realized that a part of me needs to change.He needs to open up and dissolve his rigid principles,to understand that everything cannot be scripted or anticipated and sometimes you have to let your instincts take over and just let yourself be ruled by the tides.
As I came across somewhere :-
". . . Boundaries don't keep other people out,they just fence you in.So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them . . . "
Whoever you are writing this,i am sure many people will connect to this,i mean people are lonely,even if they are working long hours in offices,and being lonely gives them a time to think which leads to crazy ideas.Maybe sometimes we have to take it easy on life.Its okay to be focussed on one thing and its good.To concentrate on one thing all the time is very very hard and i think we should utilize our free time to 'as ur friend said' do sumthing productive.Like writing as u are doing,maybe start working out,yoga,learn music maybe learn a foreign language.I believe it might actually help us in staying focussed on our aim.
ReplyDeletewell..
ReplyDeletetrue dat !!!!
we need a diversion in life.. sumthin which in a way helps us to focus on that one thing we are aiming for !!!
something which keeps everything else in its correct place and position maybe...